A Compassionate Heart<br /><br /><br />     A poor man once came to see a millionaire and stared telling him his trouble.<br />     He describled his poverty so vivdly that the millionaire was deeply affected. With tears in his eyes he called his servant and said to him, &quot; John, put this fellow out. He is breaking my heart.&quot;

A WISH<br /><br />A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, <br /><br />he said out loud, &quot;Lord grant me one wish.&quot; <br /> <br />Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, &quot;Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.&quot; The man said, &quot;Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive <br /><br />over anytime I want.&quot; <br /> <br />The Lord said, &quot;Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the <br /><br />bottom of the Pacific&#33; The concrete and steel it would take&#33; I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.&quot; <br /> <br />The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, &quot;Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say &#39;nothing&#39;, and how I can make a woman truly happy.&quot; <br /><br /> <br />The Lord replied, &quot;You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?&quot;

caring angel<br /><br /><br />The angel said to a new comer who standing at the gate of the heaven:&quot; Do you know how I protect you?&quot; When you fall off from the mountain, it&#39;s me who stop you falling down with my hand; when you are nearly knocked down by a car, it&#39;s me who draw you back; when you are fighting against water in the river, it&#39;s me who save quietly.........&quot;<br />     &quot;Then when I was marrying, where were you wandering about?&quot; answered the new comer.

Artist: &quot;That, sir, is a cow grazing.&quot;<br />Visitor: &quot;Where is the grass?&quot;<br />Artist:&quot;The cow has eaten it.&quot;<br />Visitor:&quot;But where is the cow?&quot;<br />Artist:&quot;You don&#39;t suppose she&#39;d be fool enough to stay there after she&#39;d eaten<br />       all the grass, do you?&quot;

Do you know the penalties?<br /><br /><br />Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? <br />Defendant: No, I did not. <br /><br />Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? <br /><br />Defendant: Yes, I do. And they&#39;re a lot better than the penalty for murder.

dorm rules<br /><br /><br />On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. <br />&quot;The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to all female students and anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.&quot; <br /><br />He continued, &quot;Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?&quot; <br /><br />At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: <br /><br />&quot;How much for a season pass?&quot;

foreign language<br /><br /><br />Two mice sat in their hole watching Cat lurk outside. &quot;I know how to make Cat go away,&quot; said the first mouse. &quot;How?&quot; the second mouse asked in surprise. <br /><br />　　&quot;Watch&#33; Bow, wow&#33;&#33;&#33;&quot; barked the first mouse. Peering through their hole in the wall, they saw Cat running away in fear. <br /><br />　　&quot;Ah, see the benefit of knowing another language&#33;&quot;

７９年美国决定和台湾断交，和中共建交。某台湾外交官在会见美方有关官员<br />时，气愤地质问：<br /><br />　　“以后台湾和美国的关系怎么处理？是屁股对屁股呢？还是肛门对肛门？”<br /><br />　　美方翻译听得目瞪口呆：外交官在外交场合居然会这样失礼。<br /><br />　　台湾外交官见翻译愣着，知道他没听懂，就在纸上写到：ＰＥＯＰＬＥ　对　<br />ＰＥＯＰＬＥ？ＧＯＶＥＲＮＭＥＮＴ　对　ＧＯＶＥＲＮＭＥＮＴ？<br /><br />　　原来此外交官英语说得不好，翻译根本就没想到他这两句是在说英语！

Lipsticks<br /><br /><br />According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, <br />BC recently was faced with a unique problem.<br /><br />A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.<br /><br />Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.<br /><br />Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.<br />She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.<br /><br />To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.<br /><br />He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.<br /><br />Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

A young man and a servant<br /><br />A young man went to a town and worked there. He did not have a wife and a servant did the work in his house.<br />  The young man liked laughing a lot. He nailed the servant&#39;s shoes to the floor on monday, and then laughed, because the servant puts his feet in them and fell down. The servant was not angry, but smiled.<br />   Then the young man put brushes in his bed on Tuesday. The servant got into bed and hit the brushes with his feet. &quot; He was afraid.&quot; The young man laughed loudly again. Again the servant was not angry , but smiled.<br />   Then on Wedesday the young man said to his servant, &quot;You&#39;re a nice  kind man. I am not going to be unkind to you again.&quot;<br />    The servant smiled and said, &quot; And I&#39;m not going to put any more mud from the street in your coffee.&quot;

喜欢学英语的小芬，不分日夜都在找说英语的机会。这天，她不小心走路撞到一个外国人...... <br />她不好意思的说：「I am sorry.」 <br />「I am sorry, too.」外国人回答。 <br />「I am sorry, three.」小芬马上回道。 <br /><br />「What are you sorry for？」外国人问。 <br /><br />「I am sorry five…」小芬说。 <br /><br /><br />中翻英題目是： <br /><br />1.我穿上外套，卻發現我的第一個釦子掉了 <br /><br />2.他聽到電話鈴響 就去接起了電話 <br /><br />答： <br />1. Shit &#33; <br /><br />2. Hello~ <br /><br /><br />英翻中题目是： <br />1、How are you？ <br /><br />2、How old are you？ <br /><br />答：1、怎么是你？ <br />2、怎么老是你？ <br /><br /><br />一对恋人在一起学英文，突然女孩想放屁，但又不好意思在男友面前放，于是急中生智问男友：你想听布谷鸟怎么叫的吗﹖ <br />男友点点头。 <br /><br />女孩模仿：“咕咕，咕咕。”乘机把屁放了。 <br /><br />女孩问：“好听吗？” <br /><br />男友说：“放屁的声音太大，没听到。” <br /><br />女孩很不好意思，遂指着书上的三个单词， <br /><br />男友念到：peace war found <br /><br /><br />某外贸公司经理一直想找机会去巴黎玩一趟，总算有机会了，于是写了一份报告交给老板秘书转老板，大致是说为了落实这单和法国佬的生意，打算去一趟巴黎。。。 经理收到批复后大悦，马上准备行程，临出发时，被得知消息的老板秘书拦住。老板秘书说：你跟老板也不是一天两天啦，他的英语水平你还不清楚，他批示的是Go a head！意思是说：去个头！

the biggest in the world<br /><br />peter dozed off while his teacher was talking.<br /><br />teacher: peter&#33; tell us, what&#39;s the biggest in the world?<br />peter: well, well.... eyelids....<br />teacher: what? eyelids?<br />peter: yes, sir. because as soon as i shut my eyes, the eyelids cover everything of the world. <br /><br /><br /><br />世界上最大的<br /><br />老师正在讲课，彼得打起瞌睡来了。<br /><br />老师：彼得！你说说，世界上什么最大？<br />彼得：这，这……眼皮……<br />老师：什么？眼皮？<br />彼得：是这样，老师，因为我眼睛一闭，眼皮就把世界上的一切东西都遮住了。

我在美国国税局工作（I Work for the IRS）<br />Once there was a young man who was so confident in his strength(力量)that he offered a $1000 bet. He would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.<br />　Many people, including weight lifters, truck drivers, etc., had tried, but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came up and said in a low voice, &quot;I&#39;d like to try the bet.&quot;��<br />　 People all laughed, but the young man said OK. He grabbed a lemon, and squeezed it. Then he handed it to the little man.<br />　 The thin man clenched his fist around the lemon and, to everyone&#39;s surprise, six drops fell into the glass.<br />　 As the crowd cheered ,the young man paid the $1000,and asked the little man, &quot;What do you do for a living? Are you a weight lifter, or what?&quot;<br />　 The man replied, &quot;I work for the IRS.&quot;��<br /><br />　　从前有个年青人，他对自己的力气信心十足，并愿出1000美元和别人打赌。他能把一只柠檬内的汁全部挤出，如果有人还能挤出一滴来，他将赢得这笔钱。<br />　　包括举重运动员、卡车司机在内的许多人都试过了，可惜没有一个人成功。一天，一个瘦小男人走来并低声说：&quot;我愿打这个赌。&quot;<br />　　在场的人哈哈大笑，但年青人同意了。他抓起一只柠檬挤了挤，然后递给小个子男人。<br />　　这个瘦弱的男人用手紧握着柠檬，出人意料地挤出了六滴柠檬汁。<br />　　在人们的欢呼声中,年青人支付了1000美元，并问这个男人：&quot;你从事什么职业？是举重运动员还是其他什么？&quot;<br />　　男子回答说：&quot;我在美国国税局工作。&quot;

<!--QuoteBegin-sdupoplar+2003-09-29 21:42:10--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(sdupoplar @ 2003-09-29 21:42:10)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteEBegin--> 中翻英題目是： <br /><br />1.我穿上外套，卻發現我的第一個釦子掉了 <br /><br />2.他聽到電話鈴響 就去接起了電話 <br /><br />答： <br />1. Shit &#33; <br /><br />2. Hello~ <br /> <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd--><br />good job~~<br /><br />hahahahah :lol:

The philosophy professor teaching a course my friend was taking warned the class he was going to give them a test. When the day came he entered the classroom, wordlessly placed his chair on the table and, turning to the blackboard, wrote, &quot;Prove to me this chair does not exist.&quot; Most of the nervous students began intently scribbling out long dissertations. But one member of the class wrote down just two words, and then handed his paper to the teacher. The professor had to smile when he read the student&#39;s answer: &quot;What chair?&quot;

How to become a Conductor<br /><br />the muscial director wasn&#39;t happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the dummer to improve failed.<br />    Finally,in front of the orchestra , the director said in frustration , &quot; When a musician just can&#39;t handle his instrument , they take it away , give him two sticks and make him a drummer&#33;&quot;<br />   a stage whisper was heard from percussion section:&quot; And if he can&#39;t handle that , they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor .&quot;

<span style='color:red'>Fishy Story</span><br /><br />A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband&#39;s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterward<br />they&#39;re just lying there, enjoying the nearness of each other. The phone rings, and because it&#39;s the woman&#39;s house,<br />she reaches over and picks up the receiver.<br /><br />Her lover looks over and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.<br /><br />She is speaking in a cheery voice. &quot; Hello? Oh, hi&#33; SO glad you called. Really. That&#39;s wonderful&#33; I&#39;m so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great&#33; Thanks&#33; Okay. Buh-bye.&quot;<br /><br />She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, &quot;Who was that?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;Oh,&quot; she replies, &quot; that was my husband telling me what<br />a wonderful time he&#39;s having on his fishing trip with you.&quot;

<span style='color:red'>Anything you want...</span><br /><br />One day a rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, he and his friends<br />all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.<br /><br />The guy got up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends looked up. He called for silence and said, &quot;The first person that swims across my pool will get all my money.&quot;<br /><br />No one moves. The guy looked over the crowd, drew on his joint and said, &quot;OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money AND my house.&quot;<br /><br />Still no one moves. &quot;OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house; AND all my cars and planes.&quot;<br /><br />Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time.  &quot;OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own.&quot;<br /><br />Splash&#33; Someone was in the pool. Crocodiles were all over him, but he rolled over like Tarzan, he&#39;s all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he got out of the pool on the other side.<br /><br />The rich guy jumped down from the tower and ran over to him.  &quot;That was incredible&#33; I never thought that I would ever see that done.  Do you want the money now or later?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;I don&#39;t want the money.&quot;<br /><br />&quot;Do you want the house now or later?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;I don&#39;t want the house.&quot;<br /><br />&quot;The cars and planes?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;I don&#39;t want the cars or planes.&quot;<br /><br />&quot;Bonds, stocks?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;I don&#39;t want that either.&quot;<br /><br />&quot;Drugs?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;I don&#39;t want the drugs.&quot;<br /><br />&quot;Girls?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;I don&#39;t want the girls.&quot;<br /><br />The rich guy looked at him and asked, &quot;Well, what the hell do you want?&#33;?&#33;&quot;<br /><br />&quot;It&#39;s simple.  I want the bastard that pushed me in&#33;&quot;

<span style='color:red'>Free Advice</span><br /><br />At a cocktail party, the lawyer was getting annoyed at the number of people who kept asking for free advice.  He asked his doctor friend if he had the same problem.<br /><br /><br />   &quot;All the time,&quot; agreed the doctor.<br />   &quot;Well, don&#39;t you get tired of it?  What do you do?&quot;<br />   &quot;It&#39;s very simple, and I think it will work for you,&quot; said the doctor. &quot;When they ask for advice, just tell them to undress&#33;&quot;

<span style='color:red'>Chocolate  Chip Cookies</span><br /><br /><br />An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favourite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.<br />&quot;Why?&quot; he whispered. &quot;Why did you do that?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;They&#39;re for the funeral,&quot; she replied.

<span style='color:red'>Letter Home From School... </span><br /><br />Dear Dad, <br /><br />$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can&#39;t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. <br /><br />Reply from dad... <br /><br />Dear Son, <br /><br />I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an ho NOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never s tudy eNOugh. Love, Dad

<span style='color:red'>Whisper</span><br /><br />A young couple was expecting a visit from the <span style='color:blue'>pastor</span> (牧师）of their church. They wanted everything to go smoothly, but their two year old son was just getting the hang of <span style='color:blue'>potty</span> （小孩用便盆）training. He was at the stage where he would announce at the top of his voice, &quot;I gotta pee,&quot; when he had to go<br />to the bathroom.<br /><br />His father, worried that this might be embarrassing when the minister came to call, instructed the child, &quot;Don&#39;t shout that you&#39;ve got to pee. Whisper&#33;&quot;<br /><br />That evening the pastor makes his visit. He&#39;s there a very long time and the two year old is on one foot and the other.<br /><br />Finally, the minister asks him, &quot;What&#39;s the matter, son?&quot;<br /><br />The child looks at his dad and says, &quot;I&#39;ve gotta whisper&#33;&quot;<br /><br />Pastor says, &quot;It&#39;s all right, child. Whisper in my ear.&quot;

<span style='color:red'>What is your favorite pastime?</span><br /><br />For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. So it wouldn&#39;t be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples&#39; favorite pastimes.<br /><br />The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people,<br />so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.<br /><br />He knocked on the first door and a man answered.<br /><br />&quot;Sir, what is your name ?&quot; ; asked the student<br /><br />&quot;John&quot; ,<br /><br />&quot;Sir, I&#39;m doing a school study and would like to know<br />what is your favorite pastime ?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;Watching bubbles （泡沫）in bath,&quot; Came the reply.<br /><br />He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door, when he asked again.<br /><br />&quot;Sir, what is your name ?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;Jeff &#33;&quot; ,<br /><br />&quot;Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime ?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;Watching bubbles in bath,&quot; was the answer.<br /><br />Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and and all of them had the same pastime &quot;watching bubbles in bath&quot;.<br /><br />He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses to continue the survey.<br /><br />At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the door.<br /><br />Our surveyor starts again - &quot;What is your name?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;Bubbles &#33;&quot;

<span style='color:red'>Boy</span><br /><br />A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: &quot;My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.&quot;<br /><br />The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy&#39;s nervousness builds. He remembers his father&#39;s advice, and chooses the first topic. <br /><br />He asks the girl: &quot;Do you like potato pancakes?&quot; She says &quot;No,&quot; and the silence returns.<br /><br />After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father&#39;s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, &quot;Do you have a brother?&quot; Again, the girl says &quot;No&quot; and there is silence once again.<br /><br />The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father&#39;s advice and asks the girl the following question: &quot;If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?&quot;