<span style='color:red'>He Knows the Answer</span><br /><br />Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century?<br />Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead.<br /><br />---------------------------------<br /><br />他知道答案<br />教师：你能告诉我一些有关十八世纪的伟大科学家的事情吗？<br />学生：我能，先生。他们都死了。

<span style='color:red'>Two Cows</span><br /><br />Teacher: Tommy, name five things that contain milk.<br />Tommy: Button and cheese, ice-cream and two cows.<br /><br />--------------------------------------<br /><br />两头奶牛<br />教师：汤迷，说出五样带牛奶的东西。<br />汤迷：黄油，奶酪，冰淇淋和两头奶牛。

<span style='color:red'>The Same Mother</span><br /><br />Billy and his brother Davy were in the same class. The teacher assigned them to write a composition &quot;My Mother&quot;. Davy wrote one and Billy just copied it.<br />On the next day the teacher asked Billy, &quot;How is it that your composition is exactly the same with Davy&#39;s?&quot;<br />&quot;we have the same mother, don&#39;t we?&quot; replied Billy.<br /><br />-----------------------------------------<br /><br />同一个妈妈<br />比利和他的哥哥大卫在同一个班里上学，一天老师布置他们写一篇作文，题目是“我的妈妈”。大卫写好后比利拿去抄了一遍。<br />第二天老师问比利：“为什么你的作文和大卫的一模一样？”<br />比利回答说：“我们妈妈是同一个人，不是吗？”

<span style='color:red'>The Swimmer</span><br /><br />The teacher told me the class the story of a man who swam a river three times before breakfast.<br />Johnny laughed.<br />&quot;Do you doubt that a good swimmer could do that?&quot; asked the teacher.<br />&quot;No, sir,&quot; answered Johnny, &quot;but I wonder why he did not swim it four times and get back to the side where his clothes were.&quot;<br /><br />----------------------------------------------<br /><br />游泳者<br />老师给同学们讲了一个小故事，说有一个人早饭前要在河里游泳，横渡三趟。<br />约翰尼笑了。<br />老师问到：“你不相信一个游泳很好的人可以做到这个？”<br />约翰尼回答说：“不是，先生，但我不明白他为什么不游四次，好回到他放衣服的那边。”

<span style='color:red'>It Is My Father</span><br /><br />One day little Tom didn&#39;t want to go to school and telephoned the teacher pretended to be his father and said, &quot;Hello. Is that the teacher speaking? My little Tom caught cold today and he can&#39;t go to school. He asked me to ask you for a day&#39;s leave.&quot;<br />The teacher at the other end of the telephone asked. &quot;Who is that speaking?&quot; <br />&quot;It&#39;s my father, sir,&quot; answered Tom.<br /><br />----------------------------------------<br /><br />是我爸爸<br />一天，汤姆不想去上学，就装成爸爸的声调给老师打电话。他说：“喂，你好，你是老师吧？我的小汤姆感冒了，不能去上学，他让我向您请一天假。”<br />老师问到：“您是谁？”<br />汤姆回答道：“是我爸爸，先生”

<span style='color:red'>&quot;God Save the King&#33;&quot;</span><br /><br />The famous Dr. Smith, dean of the Medical College, was appointed private physician to the King. Whereupon he proudly wrote the following notice on the blackboard of his classes:<br />&quot;Professor Smith informs his students that he has been appointment Honorary Physician to His Majesty the King.&quot;<br />When he returned to his classroom in the afternoon, he found written below his notice this line: &quot;God save the king&#33;&quot; <br /><br />-------------------------------------------<br /><br />&quot;上帝保佑国王&quot;<br />医学院院长、著名的史密斯博士被任命为国王的私人医生，于是，他自豪地在他任教的班里的黑板上写下如下通知：<br />“史密斯教授通知他的学生，他已荣任国王陛下的医生。”当他下午回到教室的时候，发现他的通知下面又加了一行字：“上帝保佑国王”<br />注：God save the King 还可以译为“国王万岁”。这里的意思是，学生讽刺老师是一个庸医，只好靠上帝保佑国王了。

<span style='color:red'>The Day Off From Work</span><br /><br />My husband was enjoying the day off from work and watched me scurry about the house. I picked up his dirty clothes, put away his work shoes, carried out his popcorn bowl from the previous night&#39;s football viewing, washed the breakfast dishes, wiped the coffee he&#39;d spilled and ironed his shirts. Seeing a thoughtful look on his lace, I wondered if he was beginning to realize just how much unnecessary work he created for me. Maybe he would offer to help. &quot;A penny for your thoughts,&quot; I said.<br /><br />&quot;I was thinking,&quot; he replied, &quot;that one of the things I like best about you is how you always find ways to keep yourself busy.&quot;<br /><br />--------------------------------------------<br /><br />休息日<br /><br />丈夫正在过休息日，他看着我在屋子里来回奔忙。我捡起他在脏衣服，将他工作时穿的鞋子放到一边，拿走前一天晚上他看橄榄球时放在旁边放爆米花的碗，洗早餐的盘子，擦去他溅出的咖啡，熨他的衬衣。看到他脸上若有所思的神情，我想他是不是开始意识到他给我添了许多不必要的麻烦，也许他还会帮帮忙呢！“给你一分钱，告诉我你在想什么？”<br /><br />“我在想，”他回答道，“你总能找到办法使自己忙个不停。这一点我很喜欢。”

<span style='color:red'><br />Put That Ring Back On</span><br /><br />During World War II, I found that my wedding ring was being destroyed through the use of my GI trenching shovel, so I took the ring off and placed it on my dog-tag chain.<br /><br />After being promoted from corporal to staff sergeant, I sent my wife a photo of myself wearing the new stripes. Instead of congratulations the letter I got back contained just five words: &quot;PUT THAT RING BACK ON&#33;&quot;<br /><br /><br />--------------------------------------------<br /><br /><br />把戒指戴回去<br /><br />二战期间，我发现我的结婚戒指在使用战壕铲时给弄坏了，于是我将戒指取下来挂在身份牌的链子上。<br /><br />从下士提升为上士后，我给妻子寄了一张我戴着新肩章的照片。我收到的回信中没有祝贺之辞，只写了六个大字：“把戒指戴回去！”

<span style='color:red'>Respectable Boyfriend</span><br /><br />Mother to daughter: &quot;What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;Of cause he is, Mom. He&#39;s thrifty, doesn&#39;t drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children.&quot;<br /><br />---------------------------------------------------<br /><br />体面的男朋友<br /><br />母亲问女儿：“你的新男朋友是怎样一个人？他很体面吗？”<br /><br />“当然很体面，妈妈。他很节俭，不抽烟不喝酒，有一个贤慧的妻子和三个有教养的孩子。”

<span style='color:red'>I Don&#39;t Know Her</span><br /><br />A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.<br /><br />&quot;Why don&#39;t you do that?&quot; said the wife.<br /><br />&quot;Honey,&quot; replied her husband, &quot;I don&#39;t even know that woman&#33;&quot;<br /><br />--------------------------------<br /><br />我还不认识她呢<br /><br />一对夫妇在公园里散步，发现一对年轻的男女坐在一条长凳上，动情地接吻。<br /><br />“你为什么不那么做呢？”妻子说。<br /><br />“亲爱的，”丈夫回答说，“我还不认识那个女子呢&#33;”

<span style='color:red'>Beer</span><br /><br />The professor rapped on his desk and shouted:<br />“Gentlemen, order&#33;”<br />The entire class yelled “Beer&#33;”<br /><br />----------------------------------------<br /><br />啤酒<br />教授敲打着桌子喊道：“诸位，请安静！”<br />全班大声喊：“啤酒！”<br /><br />[注]order作“安静”解，也可作“点菜，点饮料”解。

<span style='color:red'>Say Sir</span><br /><br />Teacher: (to a new boy) What&#39;s your name, my little fellow?<br />New boy: Erbert Arris.<br />Teacher: Always say &#39;sir&#39; please, when you are speaking to master. It&#39;s more polite.<br />New boy:(apologetically)Sir Erbert Arris. <br /><br />-------------------------------------<br /><br />要叫先生<br />老师：（对一位新生说）小同学，你叫什么名字？<br />新生：我叫赫博特.阿瑞斯。<br />老师：请你跟老师说话时叫先生，这样比较有礼貌。<br />新生：（带歉意地）我叫赫博特.阿瑞斯先生。

<span style='color:red'>An Abstract Noun</span><br /><br />Teacher: What&#39;s an abstract noun,Jane?<br />Jane: I don&#39;t know,madam.<br />Teacher: What,you don&#39;t know&#33;Well.It&#39;s the name of a thing which you can think of but cannot touch.Now,give me an example. <br />Jane: A red-hot poker,madam.<br /><br />--------------------------------------------<br /><br />抽象名词<br />老师：珍妮，什么叫抽象名词？<br />珍妮：我不知道，老师。<br />老师：什么，你不知道！抽象名词就是能想象但是不能摸到的东西的名称。好，给我举一个例子。<br />珍妮：一把烧得通红的拨火棍，老师。

<span style='color:red'>Suspicious Woman</span><br /><br />Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When  Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. <br /><br />&quot;You&#39;re running around with other women,&quot; she charged.<br /><br />&quot;You&#39;re being unreasonable,&quot; Adam responded. &quot;You&#39;re the only woman on earth.&quot; <br /><br />The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be <br />awakened by someone poking (戳, 捅, 拨开, 刺)him in the chest. It was Eve. <br /><br />&quot;What do you think you&#39;re doing?&quot; Adam demanded.<br /><br />&quot;Counting your ribs.&quot;

<span style='color:red'>They are not my boots</span><br /><br />It was the usual muddy day in the country. Our first grade teacher, Miss<br />Brown, had just finished putting the 36th boot on the 18th pair of little feet and was anxious to finish the last pair so she could go to lunch.<br /><br />The last pair of boots was for little Johnny Smith, a quiet boy. Miss Brown had a very difficult time getting his boots on as they were a bit too small for his growing feet, but she finally won the battle.<br /><br />To her dismay, little Johnny looked blandly up into her face and announced, &quot;Teacher, these boots aren&#39;t mine.&quot; In a hurry, but wanting to be kind, Miss Brown groaned, but with grim gentleness removed the boots and straightened her aching back.<br /><br />Whereupon Johnny continued, &quot;They&#39;re my little brother&#39;s, but Mommy said I could wear them to school today.&quot;

<span style='color:red'>Distance from the accident</span><br /><br />A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The judge asked him how far away he was from the accident.<br /><br />The carpenter replied &quot;twenty seven feet, six and one half inches&quot;.<br /><br />&quot;What? How come you are so sure of that distance?&quot;, asked the judge.<br /><br />&quot;Well, I knew some idiot would ask me. So I measured it&#33;&quot; replied the carpenter.

<span style='color:red'>Rope or Ox?</span><br /><br />The man in the prison asked a new comer why he was sent there. The new comer answered: &quot;I am out of luck, I think. A few days ago I was walking in the street when I saw a piece of dirty rope. I thought nobody wanted it and so I picked it up and took it home.&quot; <br /><br />&quot;But it is not against the law to pick up a piece of rope and take home&#33;&quot;<br /><br />&quot;I told you I had bad luck, didn&#39;t I?&quot; the man sighed, &quot;The trouble is that I didn&#39;t notice there was an ox at the other end of that rope.&quot;

<span style='color:red'>Broken engagement</span><br /><br />The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.<br /><br />He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a<br />note saying, &quot;Regret cannot remember which one is you<br />-- please keep your photo and return the others.&quot;

<span style='color:red'>I need a transplant</span><br /><br />The patient is adamant. &quot;Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . .&quot;<br /><br />&quot;What makes you think you need all these?&quot;<br /><br />Well, replied the patient, &quot;My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized.&quot;

<span style='color:red'>Chicken soup</span><br /><br />A Joe was in the hospital and it was time for lunch. He looks at his lunch and says, &quot;I don&#39;t like chicken soup, bring something else.&quot;<br /><br />The hospital worker said, &quot;It&#39;s good for you, the doctor said you should have it.&quot; Regardless, the patient refused to eat it.<br /><br />That night, a patient in the room with Joe had a bad stomach pain so the nurses came in to give him an enema. By mistake, they gave the enema to Joe.<br /><br />The following week, when he was leaving the hospital, a new patient asked him how he liked the hospital.<br /><br />He told him, &quot;Well, the hospital itself is pretty good, but they&#39;re very strict about their food. Here&#39;s a good tip - when they bring up chicken soup you better eat it, or else they&#39;ll come back in the middle of the night and shove it up your behind&#33;&quot;

<span style='color:red'>Not speaking to me</span><br /><br />A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.<br /><br />Bartender: &quot;What&#39;s the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?&quot;                  <br />                                        <br />The man: &quot;We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn&#39;t going to speak to me for a month.&quot;                    <br />                                               <br />Bartender: &quot;That should make you happy.&quot;<br />                                                <br />The man: &quot;No, the month is up today&#33;&quot;

<span style='color:red'>People Really Said These Things In Court</span>  <br /><br />Q: What is your date of birth? <br />A: July fifteenth. <br />Q: What year? <br />A: Every year. <br /><br />Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all? <br />A: Yes. <br />Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? <br />A: I forget. <br />Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you&#39;ve forgotten? <br /><br />Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? <br />A: Oral. <br /><br />Q: How old is your son - the one living with you. <br />A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can&#39;t remember which. <br />Q: How long has he lived with you? <br />A: Forty-five years. <br /><br />Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? <br />A: He said, &quot;Where am I, Cathy?&quot; <br />Q: And why did that upset you? <br />A: My name is Susan. <br /><br />Q: Sir, what is your IQ? <br />A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. <br /><br />Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? <br />A: We both do. <br />Q: Voodoo? <br />A: We do. <br />Q: You do? <br />A: Yes, voodoo. <br /><br />Q: Now doctor, isn&#39;t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn&#39;t know about it until the next morning? <br /><br />Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?<br /><br />Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? <br />Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? <br /><br />Q: Did he kill you? <br /><br />Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? <br /><br />Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? <br /><br />Q: How many times have you committed suicide? <br /><br />Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? <br />A: Yes. <br />Q: And what were you doing at that time? <br /><br />Q: She had three children, right? <br />A: Yes. <br />Q: How many were boys? <br />A: None. <br />Q: Were there any girls? <br /><br />Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? <br />A: Yes. <br />Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? <br /><br />Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn&#39;t you? <br />A: I went to Europe, sir. <br />Q: And you took your new wife? <br /><br />Q: How was your first marriage terminated? <br />A: By death. <br />Q: And by whose death was it terminated? <br /><br />Q: Can you describe the individual? <br />A: He was about medium height and had a beard. <br />Q: Was this a male, or a female? <br /><br />Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? <br />A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. <br /><br />Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? <br />A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. <br />Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? <br />A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. <br />Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? <br />A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

<span style='color:red'>The Lawyer&#39;s Funeral</span><br /><br /><br />A man is at his laywer&#39;s funeral and and is suprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. “Why are you all at this man&#39;s funeral?” <br />A man turns towards him and says, “We&#39;re all clients.” <br />“And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.” <br />“No, we came to make sure he was dead.”

<span style='color:red'>Olllllld Lawyer </span> <br /><br />A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. <br />Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. <br /><br />The lawyer said, &quot;I don&#39;t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?&quot; <br /><br />St. Peter replied, &quot;Well, I&#39;ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old&#33;&quot;