<span style='color:red'>Weight Loss Plan</span><br /><br />I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks.  My mom asked me to set the table for dinner.  I opened the<br />refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but<br />scantily-clad young woman.<br /><br />&quot;Mom, what&#39;s this?&quot; I asked.<br /><br />&quot;Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat,&quot; she<br />answered.<br /><br />&quot;Is it working?&quot; I asked.<br /><br />&quot;Yes and no,&quot; she explained.  &quot;I&#39;ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20&#33;&quot;

<span style='color:red'>Making babies</span><br /><br />A Mother has just told her little girl all about making babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.<br /><br />&quot;You understand it now?&quot; Mommy asks.<br /><br />&quot;Yes,&quot; replies her daughter.<br /><br />&quot;Do you still have any questions?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;Yes, how about little kittens?  How does that work?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;In exactly the same way as with babies.&quot;<br /><br />&quot;Wow&#33;&quot; the girl exclaims.  &quot;My daddy can do ANYTHING&#33;&quot;

<span style='color:red'>Elevator</span><br /><br />An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, &quot;What is this, Father?&quot; The father [never having seen an elevator] responded &quot;Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don&#39;t know what it is.&quot;<br /><br />While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.<br /><br />The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, &quot;Go get your mother.&quot;

<span style='color:red'>two heroic statues</span><br /><br /><br />For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.<br /><br />&quot;You&#39;ve been such exemplary statues,&quot; he announced to them, &quot;That I&#39;m going to give you a special gift. I&#39;m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.&quot; And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.<br /><br />The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.<br /><br />&quot;You still have fifteen more minutes,&quot; said the angel, winking at them.<br /><br />Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, &quot;Great&#33; Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I&#39;ll crap on it&#39;s head.&quot;

<span style='color:red'>$10 is $10</span><br /><br />One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair.  There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.  Stumpy looks to Martha and says, &quot;Martha, I think I really should try that.&quot;  Martha replies, &quot;I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10.&quot;  So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.<br /><br />Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, &quot;Martha, I&#39;m 70 now, and I don&#39;t know if I&#39;ll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane.&quot;  Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down.  The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...<br /><br />The pilot pipes up, &quot;Excuse me folks, I couldn&#39;t help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you.  I&#39;ll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I&#39;ll give the ride for free.  But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each.&quot; Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.<br /><br />The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins.  No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, &quot;Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn&#39;t make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff.&quot;  Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, &quot;Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10&#33;&quot;

<span style='color:red'>Cheap Boyfriend</span><br /><br />After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. <br /><br />&quot;How about some perfume?&quot; he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle. <br /><br />&quot;That&#39;s a bit much,&quot; said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. <br /><br />&quot;That&#39;s still quite a bit,&quot; Tim complained. <br /><br />Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. <br /><br />&quot;What I mean,&quot; said Tim, &quot;is I&#39;d like to see something really cheap.&quot; <br /><br />The clerk handed him a mirror.

<span style='color:red'>Mutual understanding</span><br /><br />A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened. <br /><br />&quot;Well,&quot; he whispered, &quot;I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, &quot;Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash&#33;&quot; He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, &quot;Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too&#33;&quot; <br /><br />&quot;We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.&quot;

<span style='color:red'>a present</span><br /><br /><br />At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. &quot;Don&#39;t you want her name engraved upon it?&quot; asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,<br /><br />&quot;No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.&quot;

<span style='color:red'>blind date</span><br /><br /><br />After being with her all evening, the man couldn&#39;t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.<br /><br />When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, &quot;I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.&quot;<br /><br />&quot;Thank heavens,&quot; his date replied. &quot;If yours hadn&#39;t, mine would have had to&#33;&quot;

<span style='color:red'>Would  you  like  me  to  be  your  friend?</span><br />　 <br /><br /><br />　　Kathy began a job as an elementary school  counselor and she was eager to help. <br /><br />　　One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer. <br /><br />　　A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, &quot;Would you like me to be your friend?&quot; <br /><br />　　The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, &quot;Okay, I guess so...&quot; <br /><br />&quot;Why are you standing here all alone?&quot; asked Kathy. <br /><br />　　&quot;Because,&quot; the little girl said with great exasperation, &quot;I&#39;m  the goalie  &#33;&quot;<br /><br />------------------------------------------------<br />elementary  school　（n.）小学<br />recess　（n.）下课时间　<br />playing field　（n.）操场、游戏场<br />soccer　（n.）足球　<br />suspiciously　（adv.）怀疑地<br />hesitantly　（adv.）怀疑地<br />exasperation　（n.）恼怒、不快<br />goalie　（n.）守门员

<span style='color:red'>White  hairs...</span><br /><br />　　One day, a little  boy  walks to her mother and look at her mother&#39;s hair and sadly said: &quot;Why are some of your hair white, mom?&quot; <br /><br />The mother replied, &quot;Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. <br /><br />　The boy thought about this revelation a while, and then said, &quot;Momma, how come *all* of grandma&#39;s hairs are white?&quot;<br /><br />---------------------------------------------<br />turn　（v.）变<br />revelation　（n.）新发现

<span style='color:red'>Diagnosis....</span><br /><br />　　The man told his doctor that he wasn&#39;t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, &quot;Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in  plain  English what is wrong with me.&quot; <br /><br />&quot;Well, in plain English,&quot; the doctor replied, &quot;you&#39;re just lazy.&quot; <br /><br />　　&quot;Okay,&quot; said the man. &quot;Now give me the  medical   term  so I can tell my wife.&quot;<br /><br />-------------------------------------------------<br />diagnosis　（n.）诊断   　<br />plain　（adj.）简单的、易懂的<br />medical term　医学术语

<span style='color:red'>50-50  partners...</span>　<br /><br />　  A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. &quot;I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,&quot; said the man. &quot;To show you how much we care for you, I&#39;m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.&quot; <br /><br />　　The son-in-law interrupted. &quot;I hate factories. I can&#39;t stand the noise.&quot; <br /><br />　　&quot;I see,&quot; replied the father-in-law. &quot;Well then you&#39;ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.&quot; <br /><br />　　&quot;I hate office work,&quot; said the son-on-law. &quot;I can&#39;t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.&quot; <br /><br />   &quot;Wait a minute,&quot; said the father-in-law. &quot;I just make you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don&#39;t like factories and won&#39;t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?&quot; <br /><br />　　&quot;Easy,&quot; said the young man. &quot;Buy me out.&quot;<br /><br />-----------------------------------------------------------<br />Buy me out　把我的那一半股份买去吧

Q. Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?<br /><br />A. Because he wanted to work over-time&#33;<br /><br />--------------------------------------------------------------------<br />Q. Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?<br /><br />A. Because he wanted to see time fly&#33;<br /><br />------------------------------------------------------------------<br />Q. When do you stop at green and go at red?<br /><br />A. When you&#39;re eating a watermelon&#33;<br /><br />----------------------------------------------------------------<br />Q. Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?<br /><br />A. He couldn&#39;t concentrate&#33;<br /><br />-----------------------------------------------------------------<br />Q. How do you repair a broken tomato?<br /><br />A. Tomato Paste&#33;<br /><br />-------------------------------------------------------------------<br />Q. Why did the baby strawberry cry?<br /><br />A. Because his parents were in a jam&#33;<br /><br />------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />Q. What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?<br /><br />A. A deviled egg&#33;<br /><br />-----------------------------------------------------------------<br />Q. When does a cart come before a horse?<br /><br />A. In the dictionary&#33;<br /><br />-----------------------------------------------------------------

<span style='color:red'> Clock Accident</span><br /><br />Wife: &quot;Honey, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly hurt.&quot;<br /><br />Husband: &quot;I knew that damn clock was slow.&quot;

<span style='color:red'>A Lesson Backfired</span><br /><br />Tommy&#39;s house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner.  Grandpa calls 6<br />year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he<br />can think of.  After a while, grandpa notices that Tommy is losing interest in<br />the conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested.  A ten and a twenty-dollar bill.  He shows both bills to Tommy and tells him that he can keep any one he chooses.  Tommy reaches over and grabs the ten-dollar bill.<br /><br />Grandpa pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a mistake.  Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and keep it. Tommy grabs the other ten. Grandpa again is surprised and upset.  He takes Tommy over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Tommy is in choosing the ten over the twenty.  Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Tommy chooses the ten over the twenty.  Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy.  Daddy&#39;s quite surprised but doesn&#39;t pay too much attention at the moment.<br /><br />A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy&#39;s poor decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference between a ten-dollar bill and a twenty. <br /><br />&quot;Of course,&quot; answers Tommy. <br /><br />&quot;So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?&quot; asks dad. <br /><br />Tommy, with a wide smile answers, &quot;Well dad, if I would have chosen the first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?&quot;

<span style='color:red'>Thank your lucky shoes</span><br /><br />A man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a<br />party.  Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.<br /><br />Later that night, the man and his wife were in the car when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat.  While his wife wasn&#39;t looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. Later, as they got out of the car, his wife asked, &quot;Honey, have you seen my other shoe?&quot;

<span style='color:red'>What kind of &quot;ese&quot;?</span><br /><br />An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese  and asked, &quot;What kind of &#39;ese&#39; are you?&quot;<br /><br />The Japanese confused, replied, &quot;Sorry, but I don&#39;t understand what you mean.&quot;<br /><br />The American repeated, &quot;What kind of &#39;ese&#39; are you?&quot;  Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, loudly repeated, &quot;Jeez, how tough is this -- what kind of &#39;ESE&#39; are you?  Are you<br />ChinESE or JapanESE or VietnamESE . . . ?<br /><br />The Japanese gentleman replied, &quot;Oh, I see. I&#39;m Japanese.&quot;<br /><br />&quot;Well, ok, now we&#39;re getting somewhere,&quot; the American said.<br /><br />A little while later, the Japanese man asked, &quot;Excuse me, but what kind of &#39;key&#39; are you?&quot;<br /><br />&quot;What?  What the hell do you mean?&quot; the irritated American answered.<br /><br />&quot;You know, a monKEY or a donKEY or just a typical YanKEE?&quot;

<span style='color:red'>&quot;Pull over&quot;  and &quot;pull-over&quot;</span><br /><br />A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time.  Coming up beside her, he said, &quot;Pull over&#33;&quot;<br /><br />&quot;No,&quot; she replied, &quot;a pair of socks&#33;&quot;<br /><br />----------------<br /><br />Notes: 1. pull over, v. 把...拉过来, 靠岸, 开到路边<br /><br />2. pullover n. A garment, such as a sweater, that is put on by being drawn over the head.  套头衫羊毛衫等从头顶拉下穿着的服装

<span style='color:red'>The Climate of New Zealand</span><br /><br />Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?<br />Matthew: Very Cold, sir.<br />Teacher: Wrong.<br />Matthew: But, sir&#33; When they send us meat it always arrives frozen&#33;<br /><br />－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－<br />新西兰的气候<br />老师：马修，新西兰的气候怎么样？<br />马修：先生，那里的天气很冷。<br />老师：错了。<br />马修：可是，先生！从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。

<span style='color:red'>My Sister&#39;s Fingers</span><br /><br />Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?<br />Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.<br />Teacher: I don&#39;t see any bandages.<br />Kevin: Oh, they weren&#39;t my fingers&#33; I told my little sister to hold the nail.<br /><br />－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－<br /><br />我妹妹的手指头<br />老师：凯温，这次你怎么又迟到了？<br />凯温：对不起，老师，我在家钉钉子，砸坏了两个手指头。<br />老师：怎么没有扎绷带呀？<br />凯温：噢，砸的不是我的手指头，我叫小妹妹扶着钉子的。

<span style='color:red'>Improvement</span><br /><br />One student to another: &quot;How are your English lessons coming along?&quot;<br />&quot;Fine. I used to be one who couldn&#39;t understand the English men, and now it&#39;s the English men who can&#39;t understand me.&quot;<br /><br />－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－<br /><br />进步<br />一位学生对另一位说：“你的英语最近学的怎么样？”<br />“很好，我过去不懂英国人说话，可现在是英国人不懂我的话了。”

<span style='color:red'>An Unexpected Answer</span><br /><br />Teacher: What do elephants have that no other animals have?<br />Pupil: Little elephants.<br /><br />－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－<br /><br />出乎意料的回答<br />老 师：什么东西只有大象才有，其他动物都没有？<br />小学生：小象。

<span style='color:red'>Lady First</span><br /><br />A teacher asked her class: &quot;Is the sentence &#39; The ox and the cow are in the fields&#39; correct?&quot;<br />Most of the children said: &quot;Yes, it is all right&#33;&quot;<br />And only one little boy said: &quot;No, it is not correct. The lady must be mentioned first.&quot;<br /><br />－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－<br /><br />女士优先<br />一位老师问班上的学生：”公牛和母牛在田里“这个句子对吗？”<br />大多数学生回答说：“对，一点不错。”<br />只有一个小男孩说：“不对，应该先说女士。”